Monday, April 27, 2009

Where Can You Get Vodka On A Sunday in Shreveport?

So this is a story that I wanted to write down before I forgot it. Alzheimer's runs in my family, folks. Here goes...

Once upon a time, I was working as a production assistant for the TV show 'Sordid Lives: The Series.' Yeah, I was a big shot Hollywood film industry broad. Production Assistant = everyone's bitch. I had to fix people's coffee and bagels and play on the internet to appear busy so that I wouldn't be called on to do such tasks. So, one day, my boss Roy asks me and the other two PA's "Which one of you wants to work on Sunday?" Susana piped up "I have something to do that day," and Nancy added in "I'm going out of town." I crouched behind my computer screen to hopefully go unnoticed. "Kate, Congratulations!" he says. I was pissed.

So, he goes on to say that I had to pick up Olivia Newton-John from her hotel and take her to a recording studio so she could record some tracks for the show. Ok... now I was less pissed. I asked him if he thought it would be a big deal if I showed up with Gladpys:

He said a flat out no. I don't know why. I mean Gladpys is a classy broad. Anyway, he rents me a sweet minivan and tells me to pick her up at Sam's Town at 9AM.

Well, Sunday rolls around and at some point between Friday and then I became deathly ill with the Shrevebola. (This is basically the cold/flu/chest infection that every Shreveport resident gets roughly twice a year.) So, on Saturday I stocked up on Cold-eeze, Tylenol Flu, Mucinex, basically the whole cold/flu aisle at CVS and am medicated and ready to go on Sunday.

I pull up to the valet area of Sam's Town in the Chrysler Town and Country and wait. Ok, should I go in? Ok, I should go in. So I go in and tell the front desk people who I'm waiting on and I go sit down. At this point, I'm thinking, I should have researched what this chick looks like. Last time I remember, she looked like this:

Well, needless to say, she looks NOTHING like that now thanks to the Gods of plastic surgery. So this lady (her) comes out and sits on the opposite couch from me and appears to be waiting. I just sit there like a dumbass b/c what if it isn't her. So finally after she paces back and forth a few times, I say "Are you Olivia?" (such an idiot) and she replies 'Yes.' So we go to the van and off we go. At this point I wasn't sure if I should turn on the radio. I mean, what would she listen to? Does she like Easy Listening? Country? Top 40? I sit quietly and choose nothing. Thank God that she had an assistant with her and they chatted the whole time.

We get to the recording studio and I discover that there is another girl I know there (THANK GOD) and we put out snacks and settle in for some sitting and waiting. All of a sudden, Olivia's drunk sister Rona arrives. She was nice, but right off the bat she says: "Honey could you make us some Bloody Marys?" "Sure, I'll be right back."

(Keep in mind that I am constantly going in and out blowing my nose, coughing, sneezing, catching the snot running down my face, etc. yet trying to keep this on the downlow).So I approach my friend Liz and tell her the deal and she says, "But we're out of vodka." I say "Where are we supposed to get vodka on a Sunday?" You can't buy hard liquor in Shreveport on Sundays, I learned. So after about 30 minutes of brainstorming where we can get the forbidden fruit, I called a friend and Praise the Lord, they had a bottle of vodka at home. Crisis averted.

Long story short, well not really, but back to it... around 10PM I took Olivia back to her hotel. I eavesdropped into her conversation and learned that Chloe (the daughter who appeared shortly thereafter on some VH1 reality show about children of famous singers) was off in California vacationing and is going to Australia soon with her boyfriend. Rona is working on her tell-all book (and has been for 10+ years. If she'd put down the sauce, maybe she'd get that thing finished.) So I pull up to Sam's Town and they get out, thank me for the ride, and that was the last I ever saw of Olivia.

Moral of the Story: Always have a vodka reserve on hand. You never know when you might need it.


Jamie said...

I hope you used hand sanitizer before making those Mary's. I mean seriously- Kate-Snot Vodka shot??? We may just be on to something here.... :)

Shouldn't you be WORKING? (You know, like I am...)!!!

Kate said...

I am working Jamie! That doesn't mean that if an idea of something that should be shared doesn't pop into mind, I shouldn't blog. If I don't write it down right then, I'll forget. Sucks getting old!

Jamie said...

FYI- I'm on my couch- watching tv- dog on lap- "reading" research... VERY PRODUCTIVE, let me tell ya!!!

Stephanie Jordan said...

Always remember: Betty has a bottle in her closet behind her high heels. Just FYI. I've got your back.

I get a little nervous when I drive with other people in my car. I would have been a nervous wreck — hey ho, that's a good pun.

Kate said...

Dang it! I totally forgot about Betty. Love her!

I was a nervous wreck. Complete stops. Use of blinkers. Etc. Like I was in Driver's Ed.